My first blog post was going to be all about how I came up with my business name, Evolve with Jill, but as was cleaning out my desk today, I found some inspiration. I pulled out my 2016 and 2017 planners and something pulled me to go through them. I used the Erin Condren planner those years, thinking that if I had something cute to track my days I would be more productive and reach all my goals. Can anyone relate? I mean a pretty planner is super nice to look at, but does it really make me more productive?.....
I found notes that I had made at the end of the first few months. (and only a few months, the "pretty" planner was not keeping me as productive as I thought it would....shocking I know....)
I was divorced and trying to move on with my life. I was working on myself but I was tired....my soul was tired.... Yet still, I knew deep down that the life of my dreams was out there... something made me keep pushing.
Here are the excerpts from the planners:
January 25, 2016
"Show me a man that's lost all that he has and I will show you all that he is"
Be the Captain of my own life. (these are just a couple quotes I wrote that day for
January 30, 2016
January was an okay start to the year but the year will get even better. I'm feeling
more comfortable being single but am still a work in progress. The kids are
awesome! Ella loves skiing and Joseph loves to watch and encourage her saying
"Good job Ella B"..... (I go on to write some awesome stuff about the kids and can
definitely feel how grateful I was then for the kids and Fury.)... Ella does great in
school. She's very sensitive and loving. She has challenged me to get in shape
and is excited to go to the gym with me.
February 28, 2016
February was a mix.... I didn't reach all my goals (or many for that matter) BUT I
signed up for a personal trainer, went a few times and started eating healthier. I
am making moves in a positive direction and putting ME first more often. I booked
Disney for May ... and the kids (especially Ella) are so excited and so
am I. I have 2 months to get in better shape and ready for the trip........... I joined
Match and started to see what's out there. Scared and not sure I am fully ready, but
not sure I ever will be. AND I have entered my last year of my 30s. NOW IS TIME
FOR ME! Before I turn 40 I will be happy in why own skin and find my self. Here's to
a wonderful 39!
April 17, 2016
The quote "You can do anything but not everything" really resonates with me. I
need to know that I CAN do ANYthing but don't have to do EVERYthing. I try to
do too much then get anxiety because I can't do it all. It makes me think too much
and when I get in my head I am not productive. I've begun a life, single again, and
it's been hard. I haven't fully let go of Dana and married life... the "what ifs"... now
I MUST move on and accept.... NO MORE "what ifs" anymore. This is MY life,
accept it, accept YOURSELF. The remainder of this year will be my journey of Self
Acceptance and love. The last year of my 30s and beginning of the life to come.
Divorced mom, wonderful woman - I will enjoy the kids, photography, home
improvements - I will learn to love to workout again and cook healthy. I will LOVE
and TRUST myself again and FIND me.
January 30, 2017
I have realized I really have been living in denial of my new life and the financial hit
this divorce has had. I MUST find a way to cut expenses and earn more $. Joseph
moved up to a big boy bed. Not sure if I want this or not. In many ways yes, but in
some ways no. My baby boy is growing up. He's so smart and so punky. A 3 year
old crazy boy that everyone loves, mostly me! I am so proud of Ella. Trying
basketball and loving it. Pushing out of her comfort zone and now even pushing off
gymnastics to sign up for Futsal in March. She's still doing great in school and
everyone loves her too. I am BLESSED to have the 2 best kids on the planet. I love
them beyond measure. Only 3 weeks until 40.... wow, not ready.... Hoping 40s are
the best yet!
For so long, I felt lost and yet, looking back, I was always going in the right direction. Reading through these notes, I feel so proud of myself! I see love and gratitude. I see the evolution of a soul. A soul becoming more and more self aware as the time passes.... I went from living a life where I was doing everything for everyone and putting myself last to taking some more time for myself to enjoy the little things. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone often. I am truly grateful for my life, the good, the bad and the ugly, for each piece has made me who I am today. And I love me! With the help of my mentor & coach, the love from my kids and the support of my tribe, I have found a fire inside myself. Now 2-3 years later, with continued hard work, I have changed just about every aspect of my life: my career, my home and my daily practices. I no longer use a pretty planner, I have a regular day planner and always have a notebook with me for journalling.
My advice to all of you is TRUST yourself & KEEP GOING, no matter what!
And JOURNAL! Journalling doesn't need to be fancy, it can be anything from jotting a few notes in your day planner to a full out blog post. It can be done daily, weekly or monthly. Write about your loved ones, about activities you have done, goals you have accomplished or not. The topics of your journalling is endless....When you journal, feel the feelings and write about those feelings. And make sure you save what you write and look back at it from time to time. Looking back and seeing your progress will do wonders for your spirit!
Well, this has made me feel more vulnerable than I thought it would..... I hope me putting myself out there will inspire at least one of you to either start journalling or look back at past journal notes. Until next time....